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By Nathan Joe Read Time: 16 mins. The idea of writing a single, definitive essay on being 30 seems daunting, impossible even. To turn to a form that can hold the scatter-brained expansiveness of this topic feels more reasonable. To acknowledge that writing in the time of Covid is difficult, and often interrupted, feels like the most honest thing to do.
Birthday Not throwing a birthday party is the easiest way to avoid feeling older. It is the arc and right of most Gay men to claim their sexuality loudly and proudly after their coming out. To barrel forward and make up for lost time. Over-eager late bloomers finally allowed some semblance of expression. It is the arc of most diasporic Asians to reclaim their racial identity in their 20s, too.
To move from a token figure to one of many. This comes with a sort of self-interrogation or politicisation. The smelly-lunch narrative of school is replaced by the long search for roots. A rediscovery of mother tongues and family recipes. So what is my arc as a Gay Asian man? Ill-suited to the arc of familial expectation, what is expected of me? How to describe myself when asked for a bio? Gay Chinese Kiwi. Gaysian New Zealander. Queer Asian writer. Written out like that, these descriptors always seem insufficient, like a glib casting notice for some modern sitcom destined to fade into obscurity.
Labels often fail us. It throws down a gauntlet to twentysomethings to take their decade seriously. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. You're deciding your life right now. I should probably have my full licence by now. I should probably own my own vehicle. I should have done my OE. I should be thinking about buying a home. I should be Gay married. I should have a stable full-time job.
These shoulds — and their close cousins, the what ifs — these measures of an adult life, the proper adult life, haunt and elude me. Eager to please, unsure of myself, I went down the path of least resistance, or the path of most praise. At the risk of sounding ungrateful, the problem with pride and progress is it makes things seem so achievable. Father By the time my father was 30, he had moved cities to help his mum with her fish-and-chip shop.
